I was in the midst of the storm of indecision about having more children and about where and when to go on a mission trip. Complex feelings toward the parenting of the two children I already have complicated my thoughts. And, I was comtemplating relationships about people that I just could not publicly blog about (not my husband or kids). So, I just needed to sit and be quiet and allow Him to work instead of publicly sharing my very complicated thoughts, and it really was a matter of not being able to publicly share some things God was working in me.
So here I am out of the storm in a place of peace. We have decided to take our family to Vail, Arizona, on a mission trip this summer in July before Pea's birthday. The other alternative was that I go to Peru by myself. I was afraid that even though I said yes to God, He was going to say no anyway. I believe my heart's desire was His desire too though. It is very scary to make such a decision with small children, considering that Princess is very disagreeable and Pea is wild and crazy. However, it is a faith decision. I know that I am weak as a parent, and I am hoping that God's strength is displayed in my weakness and that God's power is seen in every thing we do because honestly, I fear just going to babysit my kids. I asked God to specifically speak to me and He at first gave me, Psalm 28:1, to pray to Him. Since I have been in a place where I felt He was deaf to me, this Word alone from Him was a great encouragement, showing me that He did indeed intend to speak. Shortly after that, He directed me to another Scripture and I was a little uncertain of its message to me and feel that I will completely understand it after I go to Arizona with my family.
And another storm I mentioned was my parenting of my children. Princess has been such a challenge for so long that I was beginning to lose hope. I felt and still at times feel discouraged and hopeless. But I just submitted my cry to the only one who could help me - the Great Jehovah. Now, Princess is still strong willed and I am sure I will still lose it from time to time, but the great encourager spoke and I listened. This time He gave me Psalm 32:8-11. This word of instruction is to me and for my daughter too. He also directed me all over the bible and to other resources. The Ultimate Parent told me how to parent his daughter, my daughter, my Princess, in the way she needs parenting. So, most of all now I have confidence. I am her mother because I am capable of being her mother. I am her best earthly mother despite my humanity. Ultimately, God is the very best parent when I am unable to be the best and if He is guiding me, well, who can go wrong? If God is for me, who can be against me? (Romans 8:31)
So in finding peace in being a mother, I found peace in being a mother to additional children if God so blesses in that way. Being in a place of peace is right where I want to be - safe in the Father's arms.
I'm so glad you are going to take the kids on a mission trip! I hear all the time from other parents that they can't believe we take our kids all over, but I couldn't imagine it any other way! They are experiencing so many new things and ask so many amazing questions! Sure it is harder and some days I think, "Why am I doing this again", but to hear them talk about those experiences later is amazing!
ReplyDeleteIt may be stressful, but I know God will bless your efforts. They won't understand everything that is going on, but I know that they will remember some of it.