When Letting Go feels like Goodbye

Today is the day before she goes off to the big world.  At least that's how it feels to me.  We've been to meet her teacher, her daddy and I and she.  I was perfectly fine until I looked around that little classroom filled to the brim with fun things to do.  At first I could not see the teacher, the one who will provide a tremendous amount of care for my baby.  But then I saw her.  And then when everyone had come into the room, she turned the lights out, and began speaking very softly.  So softly the children were curious to hear what she would say.  They went to the reading corner where she read about gingerbread men and going to school, and we waited.  Then she talked to the grown-ups.  She explained the way it would all go down, and I was prepared for all that, but so very unprepared for the feelings.  How do you prepare to say goodbye?  To let go?  Not to cry when all you feel like doing is crying a steady stream?

The three of us walked around the room, met the teacher, and said our hellos and then goodbyes.  We walked around the school to the lunch building and to the area where she would enter the building each day.  Then we went to lunch and celebrated our new normal.

At home, I cared not about the mess, and instead we played hide and seek, and Candyland, and I tried to imprint memories in my mind of this day.  Princess excitedly awaiting her big tomorrow said she would miss me just now, that I was her sweet mommy.

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Today, my oldest baby goes to Kindergarten.  She will be up an hour earlier than usual.  She will get dressed, eat something yummy for breakfast, and we will pray for her day together.  She will ride the bus, and hopefully she will get on the bus and wave goodbye and the ride will be uneventful, yet fun for her.  I will hug her, introduce her to the bus driver, and away she will go.  She will walk into her classroom for the first time on her own, and she will say hello to new classmates and make new friends.  She will have a new teacher, and she will  learn her way around a new yet somewhat-giant-in-comparison-to-her-preschool school.  She will get a lunch tray for the first time, and she will punch in a code to pay for it.  Someone will help her learn the code and one day she will do it by herself.  She will go to P. E. for the first time.

She'll be away from me for only an hour shorter than her daddy goes to work.  She will know that she is taking a new journey, but she will not know how big a journey she is really taking or how big a journey her stay at home mother takes as she goes.  She will be busy, and I wonder if she will ponder the best friend she'll leave behind at home, her brother.

I will learn to trust her to tell me stories of school.  She's not much of a talker compared to many kids her age.  I've told her instead of telling me that she doesn't know what happened that it is her job to come home with stories.  That's what she and I do together at night before bed, we tell stories.  So I will hope to hear stories.  I will cling to stories.

Her brother will watch her get on the bus, and he will be curious and maybe sad.  He will be wondering all day when does sister come home?  He has already said he too wants to go to big school and ride the bus, and perhaps next year, he will.  Together he and I will play Wii Lego Star Wars and learn how to be just me and him with baby sister again.  We'll laugh and we'll probably cry, but mostly we'll play and busy ourselves.

For the first time, I will trust someone else to spend more hours with my baby than she has with me.  When I first had her, I thought she was a piece of me, not really a separate person.  She grew in my belly, and then I nursed her.  But it was hard for me to at first understand that although I was to influence her, I could not make her into who she is meant to be.  She was created with a personality and she is her self.  She is not me; she is indeed separate.  She has gone to preschool and had endeavors without me, but now, she will truly have her own little life.  BUT, and this is a big BUT, I am not simply trusting her to go into the hands of public school and teachers and people I do not know.  If I did, it would be much harder to trust.  Instead, I am releasing my hold on her, letting my grip a little looser, and entrusting her more into God's hands where she's always been.  I am trusting Him with her education and her adventure to big school, and this TRUST keeps me needing Him to help me let go of not her but of me and my agenda each day, knowing that whatever happens, He's good and He's God.  He guides and He is in control even when it feels like He's not there.

So today I say not goodbye, but I learn again how to trust as I let go of my plans for His.

Quiet Time for Little Ones

Guac N' Roll said...

Hey! How did you go about teaching her to do a quiet time? I'm thinking about another dear friend who has a kindergartener in the fall... and I'm not sure how I would go about this for my own child - though that is a while from now!

How do I do a Quiet Time for my soon to be Kindergartener:

First of all, every thing is CD based, so that it can be her alone time with God and because she doesn't read that well yet.  This activity is mainly directed at Princess, but Speed Racer is joining in it too, because Princess is truly excited about it.

I have told her that this time prepares her to remember Him throughout the day, and she has told me how it has, although it is very much a discipline we are still working on.  For example, we are working on not telling lies, learning what lies are, and telling the truth.   So the memory verses she is learning are about telling the truth, not lies.  She clearly told me how the verses helped her make the right choice in playing with her brother to tell truth and not deceive.

In our house, generally, she gets up, gets dressed, and then has her quiet time.  One of the things I am trying to teach her is the importance of doing it at the start of the day.

First, she listens to a bible story.
Then, she listens to a memory verse song a few times.
Then, she listens to preschool bible songs or praise music.
Then, she is able to pray or draw a picture for God.  Art is her strength so I try teach her to use that to honor Him.

At preschool this year, she learned 26 memory verses, one for each letter of the alphabet.  She did not realize that she didn't just learn them for learning's sake, so I explained to her recently that you learn them to practice them.  For example, one of the verses was "Keep thy tongue from evil.  Psalm 34:13"  When she was not using her tongue correctly, I reminded her of this verse and told her that's why we learn verses to know what God wants and expects of us.  So she really seems to understand this now as we are learning.  At the end of this week, she already knows Psalm 119:10-11.  We are using, Hermie Scripture Memory Songs.

The good thing about this is that Daniel and I are charged as her parents to teach her spiritual truths.  What she learned at preschool was good, but it had not been made personal to her, which is our job.  So I see how going to a private school or even homeschooling could be good but still not good enough if I am not doing my job as parent in directing her in her need and making the Scripture relevant to her.

At night time, which is separate from Princess' quiet time, we have family bible time, and we use The Early Reader's Bible, but we've used many of the preschool bibles.  We cycle through them regularly.

Catching Lightning Bugs

The Summer in Pics: May 26

This week we went to Wal-Mart, the McWane Center, stayed home all day one day, the Galleria, and then Grandmaw and Uncle Robby took Princess and Speed Racer to the zoo on Friday, and they also went to spend the night with Nana.

Family Update

I am really behind on family updates, so I thought I would catch up on them.

First of all, my baby DoodleBug has turned 1, and she is already 13 months at that.  So here are some party pics.  You know I love owls, so we had an owl birthday party.

Next comes Easter:

Princess's preschool graduation:

Soccer

Princess recently started playing Upward Soccer. Check out information about the Upward program here.  Daniel has been involved in Upward Basketball for as long as we've been married, so it is neat to finally have a kid involved in one of the Upward programs.

She has no idea what she's doing out there, and she is in typical Princess mode - which means her head is in the clouds most of the time, but nonetheless, she is confident, and I love that about her.  I am a proud soccer mom!

First Day of School

Princess and Speed Racer started school on Tuesday.  Princess goes 4 days, and Speed Racer goes 2 days.  He was supposed to go 3, but there was a mix up between me and the school, making in my opinion, both of us at fault for this mishap.  Speed Racer did not much care for Wednesday when Princess went and he did not, but we had mommy / Speed Racer time and went to the library as well.  After some explanation on my part, he said, "I go this many" holding up two fingers.  Today, he came running into our room yelling, "I wanna go THIS many" holding up three fingers.  We are hoping that he is able to go to three days in the future, but we've chosen to believe that God has placed him in his 2 day class for some reason unbeknownst to us. 

These little faces might be only loved by us, but they are our kids, and we love them fiercely no matter what.  I was chosen to be their mommy, and it is my honor to get to do it no matter what anyone says of them or thinks of me.  For the life of me, I don't know why anyone wouldn't feel the same way.  Look at their adorable faces.

Princess and Speed Racer excited to go to school

Speed Racer's first day of 3K

Princess excited to start 4K

As Princess says, you've gotta get one with our backpacks, mom.

The End of Summer

I'm having a sad day today.  It's the last day of summer.  On Tuesday, Princess starts back to preschool and Speed Racer starts preschool for the first time.  Next year, Princess will be starting Kindergarten, and I am already mourning this.  I hate it so bad.  It's a year away and I am already a crying fool, I can only imagine the heartache I will feel on the first day of Kindergarten.  It is days like today I feel so lonely and lost as a mother.  Into your hands, Lord.

Hope Now

I have been working on posts from time to time, but as you see, I've posted nothing recently, so just this is just a quick post, which you may be seeing more of - who knows. I was discouraged as a mom this evening and in the middle of the night and this song made me feel better, so I thought I would post this to remind myself of the hope I have in God even when I feel overwhelmed and hopeless.



(VERSE 1)
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

(PRE-CHORUS)
I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(VERSE 2)
When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter my from the storm

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(PRE-CHORUS)
I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(CHORUS)
Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

(CHORUS 2)
You've become my hearts desires
I will sing Your praises higher
Your love sets me free
(Your love sets me free)
Your love sets me free
(You love sets me free)
Your love sets me free

Finally an Update

Well, finally I am going to give an update.  Adding the third baby to our family has gone very well.  This was the easiest birth for me, and I recovered very quickly.  I guess the hardest part has been adjusting to having less time (temporarily speaking) for the older kids.  But once I realized this, I have figured how to spend quality time with them better.  Up until recently, Doodlebug was a very good sleeper and quickly went from 2 night feedings to only one, and even sleeping long stretches like from 10 to 3:30 or 4:30, which is huge in the way of feeling rested.  However, the last few nights, she has woken up at 2:30 or 3ish and then wants to stay awake for a while.  Maybe her schedule is off somehow.  I think she will get back on track soon.  I was reminded on fb to pray for her to sleep according to our schedule.  Sometimes, I forget that God cares about that kind of thing, but He does and I should be faithful to ask for my needs in that way.  {I do need to have enough sleep to give quality care to ALL 3 kids.}  So Doodlebug is a very good baby, even with the sleep setback, and she appears to be gaining weight as she should.  She is almost 6 weeks old already.  Time flies!

Princess just finished her first year of school, and for the most part, she thrived.  She loved her teacher.  She loved the routine of it.  She enjoyed being around the kids on a regular basis, and art was her favorite subject, of course.  :)  She had some playground drama and has some social issues to work on.  I was given some great advice on fb about different things to do to help her out.  And I am proud that she was able to express her feelings to me.  I would love to homeschool my kids, but I'm not sure it would be best for them.  Maybe I just don't want to let go of them yet.

Speed Racer is mostly potty trained, and he took to the potty very quickly.  He even occasionally stays dry at night, which is impossible for Princess to do yet.  I realize that she was and is a late bloomer in this area, and that's just that.  He even goes to the potty when he wakes up, and even that is still not natural for her.  He is my explorer.  He is wild and just cannot help but to get into trouble.  He recently found some nail polish and painted our bathroom upstairs.  He got up after we had put him to bed to do this.  He still naps when I put him down for one, but then he cannot relax at bedtime when he does.  So I don't put him down for a nap every day, but at the same time, he's not ready to give it up completely.  The lack of sleep builds up and he gets cranky.  

I don't know if we had been lax on our parenting, but we've had to "lay the law down" on both the kids for their lack of respect.  Maybe it is still their testing the waters on life with a third sibling.  But I am constantly reminding them to respect people (because they are valuable) and to respect things (because they are God's gifts).  All the other rules go back to those two main rules.

As for me, I have recently made some self discoveries (with no therapist - ha).  I like to dream, and I honestly never thought of myself that way.  But I like to go on adventures, and adventures come from dreams.  I dream big dreams, I dream small dreams, but most of the time, my dreams remain just that - dreams, which leaves me longing for the future when the dreams will come to fruition.  I realize that because I dream a lot I live for the future and don't always appreciate the good things I already have.  I covet and get jealous of most everyone because most things can tie to some kind of dream I have.  I need to appreciate the gifts God has already given me and submit myself to my husband's leading, instead of trying to lead him, which I want to do sometimes.  I cannot be married and live the life of a single person too.  I am choosing to let God reign instead of letting my self reign.  So, I'm letting go of all my dreams, even the relatively small ones, and I am simply following.  I like to have a plan, but now my plan is to have no plan (of my own).  Following might just mean staying in the same place.  So now I wait, and I learn to pray anew.  I hope to have Godly desires in my heart.  I've probably blogged about this before someway or another.  Here's to hoping I follow through this time and to learning to be content in every circumstance.


Alas, I will not be replacing Jacob in protecting the island.  But in all fairness, I don't want that job, and I think that's the point.

Kootchie

My children have awesome imaginations. On Saturday, my daughter invented Kootchie, who was her daughter. I had been cleaning out clothes to consign or give away, and Princess picked up an old hat. In the bathroom, she was inspired to place the hat on our toilet paper holder. Then she insisted that Kootchie wear her gown, and that's how Kootchie was born. Kootchie went on a picnic and many other things with her mommy. She was even babysat while her mommy went outside to "work." At the end of the day yesterday, Princess placed the toilet paper holder back in the bathroom, and when I asked her where Kootchie was, she said, "She disappeared."

Snow Day

Unbelievably, it actually snowed here, and although Princess and Speed Racer have seen snow, they really have not gotten to play in it before now. Princess got out of school early. We picked up some pizza since her Valentine's party was canceled. Then we waited on the snow to pile up so we could play in it.

The snow never really piled up so much at our house, so when Daniel got home, it was Speed Racer's naptime, but due to his great suggestion, we went to the park to play in the snow instead. I'm so glad we did. The children's faces and joy were priceless. Speed Racer was overjoyed and loved making snow balls and throwing them on his sister. Princess loved making a snowman. Speed Racer loved destroying it, and Princess loved eating the snow. I personally didn't really care for the snow (none of us have great snow attire), but the kids and my sweet hubby made it worth it, and it was great family fun.

Proof that I Have Heathens

Generally, this is how my day goes. My hubby gets up first, showers, and goes to work, and I am still in bed when he leaves. He kisses me goodbye, and I get up when I hear my kids begin making noise on the baby monitor. Today I did not hear them on the monitor. BAD! BAD! There was destruction going on that I did NOT know about. So I got up and took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I heard the kids singing, "Go tell it on the mountain." This made me smile, and as I was getting dressed, I heard them playing "Jonah and the whale." Princess was telling Speed Racer that the boat was going to crash. Again, I smiled, and I didn't think much of it. Then I went to get the kiddos ready for the day. This is what I saw:

only before I took the picture my son was nested inside of the top drawer that is open, pretending to be Jonah in a boat. And yes, every stitch of clothing that was in that dresser was now on the floor.

Only a few weeks ago, during the holiday break, we had put Speed Racer in his bed for naptime. And then, a little while later, we heard a great big kaboom. We can only guess that the following happened: 1. He climbed onto the dresser. 2. He fell behind it. 3. He pushed said dresser over. Yes, you read it right; he pushed the dresser over. Daniel spent the rest of the evening securing the dresser to the wall so that there would be no next time and that he would not kill himself with the dresser.

What used to be just a storage area for clothes has now become some sort of jungle gym since we put twin beds in the bedroom. I placed Speed Racer as the ultimate culprit, but when I began investigating, Princess said that it was her idea to take all the clothes out.

The culprits:

So my mission for the day: to get the kids out of the house we've been cooped up in to run wild and free somewhere. My mission for the rest my life: to get up before the kids.