Jesus in Suzanne’s Skin

My blog means a lot to me.  When I post personal posts, I am posting from my heart, from the very deepest places, and I do so because I feel like God is calling me to share whatever story I happen to be sharing with you in each post.  The problem is once I post my heart for all world to see, I rarely know if anyone reads or if God is using it to speak to anyone.  I don’t know who reads regularly.  And posting things that are deeply personal makes me feel naked and exposed.  I have posted about how insecure I am here and here. 

For whatever reason, I often feel as if God has placed a veil over me and no one sees me.  I know this is naive of me to say, but I often feel like a stranger in a foreign country.  Or like the girl with the scarlet letter.  I know that I am different, and I want to be different, but I also want to be connected.  And to be fair, I have felt a whole lot more connected lately, just not when it comes to this blog.  So after I posted this, I felt exposed and forgotten – sort of how one might feel visiting the female doctor, when you’ve had to undress, but the doctor does not quickly come and you are just hanging out under a thin sheet all alone.  Yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt.  I followed God’s plan by posting, but I did not trust Him in His work through me after I posted.  And my heart’s cry is “Use me, Lord, use me.  Empty me for more of You.”

So I began to feel insecure about posting such personal thoughts.  I was feeling particularly down and knew that it was an attack from the enemy, so I asked a friend to pray for me that I would feel His joy and a overwhelming sense of His presence.  My day continued on.  I went to my last bible study of the year and was encouraged, but still not where I needed to be. 

After bible study, I went to the grocery store.  I had to double back for a particular item, and that’s when I saw Suzanne and Josh.  I waved to Josh and turned down the aisle.  Suzanne did not see me.  Josh came to talk to me, and then he got his mom.  When Suzanne turned down the aisle, she said it was funny because she had been looking for me at church.  I was surprised because we say hello at church, but we don’t regularly talk.  She said that God had wanted her to tell me how He had used my blog for her this week.  I knew that in that moment I was staring directly in the face of Jesus, and there was the overwhelming sense of His presence that I had asked for in my prayers.  She proceeded to tell me two ways that God had used my last post to speak to her, and in particular, she had found out about a need, and she had encouraged her bible study ladies to buy a boy a NEW coat, not one that was leftover.  I thanked her and told her that she had blessed my heart by sharing, but I was so overcome with worship for God that I did not share just how much her God-touch meant to me in that moment.  I was overjoyed and grateful to see my sweet Jesus in beautiful Suzanne.

This just shows the sovereign power of God.  God used Heidi to speak to me.  God used me to speak to Suzanne, and God used Suzanne to speak to the ladies in her bible study and then back to me again.  And on it goes.  When God moves, He moves mightily.  And not only does His message resound to the hearts of those He is wanting to change to a better truth, He is a deeply personal God, caring about my heart and meeting my need to see Him.  What other god can you say this about?  I know not other god that cares or that is alive and active as is Our God – the Most High God!  Praise the King!

I'm a little Crazy today...

On a whim tonight, I decided to move Pea's bed into Princess's room and make it "their" room. It took about 10 minutes longer than usual to settle them down, but they are quiet, and I think, asleep right now, so that is a positive sign. There are a few reasons why I did this. The main reason would have to be that I need a room where there are absolutely NO toys. Why you ask? One, because I need Pea to go to asleep when it is nap time, and two, I need a safe place to put Princess during timeout. It has no reason whatsoever about a possible third child.

Princess is very aggressive when upset. I know you think she's sweet and smart and all that stuff, but thankfully God has given me wisdom to see that she likes to fight me and that she wants me to give her negative attention. Thus, I know that I have to separate myself from her or I will be driven to "fight" her so to speak. I can ignore her behavior, but she will attack me anyway. I walked away from her one day after she got upset, and she came after me to hit me. However, the ignoring of it seemed to do much better than reacting, so my main goal is to never yell and always remain calm, which can sometimes be hard to do. She does not stay on a naughty spot. When placed in a room to calm down, she will leave the room and come after me again. Sometimes the best thing is for me to lock myself in my room. I'm teasing, but only slightly. In all seriousness, her room is child protected, so that she cannot leave it now, and I will have a place to punish her so to speak. I pray that all of you reading will never have to go through what I do with her, but then again, I wish you had an inkling of what it is like too. I am trying to focus on positive rewards and give high praise as much as possible.

Please leave a comment letting me know that you will commit to pray for me for three things: one our mission trip to Arizona - I need lots of prayer about the plane ride with Pea and Princess's continued behavioral problems. Two, that Princess will learn to go to the potty all of the time consistently. She has regressed so much, I don't know what to do most of the time. I actually put her back in diapers for a few days, which she hates. It is on days that she has an accident that she rebels or on rebellious days that she has "accidents." The two seem to go hand in hand. I've stopped any kind of discipline associated with the potty other than the wearing of diapers. Third, and the main thing, that Princess would just want to obey. If she would obey, we would not have potty traumas. She would go when I asked her too instead of waiting until she can no longer wait.

I thank the Lord for YOU, my readers, even when I don't know you are reading, :)

Prayer updates

I got to go back to Bible study today. It was excellent, and guess what, I didn't forget anything this time! (I know you've all been wondering.) I want to post more later about the fact that God's word is alive and active, which is what we talked about today, but I also wanted to post an update about my brother in law. He had surgery today, and he is out of it. We are hoping that the surgery helps alleviate the constant pain he had been in for the last year (since his motorcycle accident).


Also, I received a call from my mom saying that granny was getting closer to death. Please continue praying that it would be swift and peaceful. Pray that I would be able to visit her before she goes home to Jesus and that we would have the right words to say to the children, especially Princess. Pray for comfort over my grandfather, my mom, and my uncle. Thank you in advance for your prayers.