Fear

Fear was the theme of our group last night. We were supposed to have bible study, but life happened instead, which is fine.

Fear gripes us, it paralyzes us. Sometimes it causes us to run. Sometimes, God uses it to motivate us to do what we should do to put us on the right path. More often, Satan uses it to keep us hidden and tucked away. Fear is innately a part of all us. That's why the bible commands over 365 times in the bible, "Fear not."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friends were talking about houses being broken into and what sorts of things they do when they are alone at night without their hubbies there. As usual, I was mostly quiet rather than vocal. I had a stinky day myself, yet I was still trying to be supportive. I have no idea if this came across or not. At any rate, at the end, I mentioned I had been alone yesterday, and that my hubby would be coming home late. One of the ladies mentioned that she did not see me as the fraidy-cat type.

This may be true to the extent that she meant it. Only because life has placed me in a lot of situations (work included) where I had to be a "strong single woman" and take care of things on my own. From driving a stick shift for the first time in the hood in Niagara Falls, NY, where of course I was alone and stalled and had to figure it out by myself while gang members walked by or to working in FL and MS overseeing drill crews and going to dinner and the hotel alone at night to being a lonely single woman who was expected to find my way in the great big world alone after graduating college. (Notice reoccurring theme of being alone.) God was with me at every step. Had I not known this, fear would have paralyzed me, instead it motivated me and spurred me on.

It was the latter one, especially, when I found that I was truly ALONE in this world that God's strength and power and relationship became so much more to me, and I realized that I was not alone. But I had no single person to run to at the time - no mother, no father, no friend. Sure I had a mother, a father, and friends, but for various reasons, no one who I could turn to when the going got tough. God was it. That was a painful time, but as I look back I do treasure it because I can see how much He and I grew together.

Fear? I am gripped by fear everyday, but not from fear of my house being broken into or being attacked. I still fear being alone just like I did when I realized how lonely this world can be. What is it that makes a woman like me post on her facebook page, "pregnant hormones - sad, frustrated, disappointed." It's because after I talk to my hubby and he has prior commitments, I still feel alone and in need and in want of someone to relate to, to hug me when I am bawling, to love me, to cry with me or tell me that it's okay. Tired of not having someone I can call when life feels crappy, and I don't want to be alone, feeling like facebook is sometimes the only outlet I have to scream those emotions, hoping someone will notice, care, and want to give me a hug.

God is still there holding me and loving me, and I am still waiting on the day when I feel it from the arms of a person (other than my sweet hubby). So yes, fear? I am most definitely a fraidy-cat, only not in the same terms as she meant it. Fear of being alone. Fear of writing this post and alienating what little I already have, but knowing that I should write it anyway. Fear of relationships that are backwards never being turned forward. At least, at the end of the day, my facebook status was this instead, "Jamie knows from studying Esther last year that what seems hopeless, God can turn around to hopefulness. I just have to patiently wait upon His time. Lord, give me your spirit in regard to that which seems hopeless to me. Let me set my eyes on things above and be in the light, not hindered by the darkness."

Here's the lyrics to "Save Me" by J J Heller.
It perfectly describes how I feel on most days if I stop to think about it.
You can listen to the song on my playlist to the right (it's the first song).

Living
Am I really living
Or am I just existing
Hiding away

Danger
The world is full of danger
But if I never try to go outside
My heart will waste away

Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me

You tell me life will not be pain free
What will be will always be in your control
Darkness is light to you
And all you ask me to do
Is trust what you say is true

You are stronger
Than any terrible possible scenario today
Come and save me
You’re the only source of all the peace I need
Come and save me
Come and save me

Save me …