Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Hide n Seek

Okay, I guess I am about to divulge too much information.  Do you remember playing hide n seek as a child?  Well, when I am sad or frustrated or discouraged, I still like to hide in a small closet somewhere as if I were a child again playing hide n seek, only I don't want to be found.  I want to stay hidden away.  When I was young, my dad had a horrible temper, and I often wanted to hide and run away from the rage that would explode from him.  As a result, I was often too afraid to talk to my parents, and I learned to hide the secret parts of me inside not just from them but from everyone.  Instead of learning to talk it out in a healthy manner, I often journaled my frustrations, which apart from this blog, I rarely do now.

Because I like to hold it all inside with the exception of a panicked one line status update on facebook, I am sometimes hard to get to know, though I think I am better than I used to be.  I've been called a number of things from contrite to shy to stuck up.  I don't know if any of them are true or if they are all true.  I don't even know if it was my nature to be quiet or if it was a learned response to my environment.  Whatever the case, God used it to shape me and who I am and so I am thankful for it.  My mom always said the song "In My Room" by the Beach Boys reminded her of me.

One day last week, all day, was one of those days that I just had an on-going internal monologue and really needed to write to release all of the things I had managed to hold inside, but I couldn't find the time.  None of the things were big, just tons of questions I had like "Am I doing this parenting thing right.  I don't do it like so and so does.  Is her way the best way?"  I don't remember what happened at the end of day except for just needing to "hide," and though I was hiding, I did not want to be found or bothered.  Usually I do.  Usually I like to be pursued.  This day, I just wanted the quiet to surround me and comfort me as it did when I was a child.  In the quiet, God whispered to me,

I am your hiding place; I will protect you from trouble and surround you with songs of deliverance.  Psalm 32:7
I hem you in, behind and before, and My Hand is upon you.  Psalm 139:5
I am familiar with all your ways.  Psalm 139:3
You cannot go away from my Spirit or flee my Presence.  Psalm 139:7
I have called you by name; you are Mine.  Isaiah 43:1
For I am the Lord Your God, the Holy One, of Israel.  Isaiah 43:3

Though I wanted to hide, there is comfort in knowing that I cannot hide from Him and that I have a husband who cares enough to want to understand the secret things about me instead of letting me hide away in my shell.  I have not learned how to always be real with people when I am fragile and afraid whether it be about something small or something huge unless I am able to write it down like a silly school girl.  I still like to put on my strong walls of defense (the quiet) and cower away for fear that no one will care or notice my distress.  This is true even with my hubby.  I don't give people an opportunity to help me, and I will even run away unknowingly at times from God.  His gentle whispers reminded me that even though those things shaped me and made me into who I am, He is still working on me and wants me to transform again and move past the quiet.  I know as a parent I do not want my children to be quiet and uncommunicative like me.  I want to be able to know the deepest parts of them and help them overcome the hard things, even when their difficulties seem too much for me - God is with me.

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified, for I am with you.  I will never leave you or forsake you.  Deut 31:6.

In what ways are you hiding today?  Have you been found by the One who is Pursuing You?  Will you let Him be your Hiding Place?

1 comment:

  1. oh, wow. very deep post today, Jamie. I just love the openness of your precious heart! i have enjoyed getting to know you through the blogworld.

    love to you!


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