My blog means a lot to me. When I post personal posts, I am posting from my heart, from the very deepest places, and I do so because I feel like God is calling me to share whatever story I happen to be sharing with you in each post. The problem is once I post my heart for all world to see, I rarely know if anyone reads or if God is using it to speak to anyone. I don’t know who reads regularly. And posting things that are deeply personal makes me feel naked and exposed. I have posted about how insecure I am here and here.
For whatever reason, I often feel as if God has placed a veil over me and no one sees me. I know this is naive of me to say, but I often feel like a stranger in a foreign country. Or like the girl with the scarlet letter. I know that I am different, and I want to be different, but I also want to be connected. And to be fair, I have felt a whole lot more connected lately, just not when it comes to this blog. So after I posted this, I felt exposed and forgotten – sort of how one might feel visiting the female doctor, when you’ve had to undress, but the doctor does not quickly come and you are just hanging out under a thin sheet all alone. Yeah, that’s pretty much how I felt. I followed God’s plan by posting, but I did not trust Him in His work through me after I posted. And my heart’s cry is “Use me, Lord, use me. Empty me for more of You.”
So I began to feel insecure about posting such personal thoughts. I was feeling particularly down and knew that it was an attack from the enemy, so I asked a friend to pray for me that I would feel His joy and a overwhelming sense of His presence. My day continued on. I went to my last bible study of the year and was encouraged, but still not where I needed to be.
After bible study, I went to the grocery store. I had to double back for a particular item, and that’s when I saw Suzanne and Josh. I waved to Josh and turned down the aisle. Suzanne did not see me. Josh came to talk to me, and then he got his mom. When Suzanne turned down the aisle, she said it was funny because she had been looking for me at church. I was surprised because we say hello at church, but we don’t regularly talk. She said that God had wanted her to tell me how He had used my blog for her this week. I knew that in that moment I was staring directly in the face of Jesus, and there was the overwhelming sense of His presence that I had asked for in my prayers. She proceeded to tell me two ways that God had used my last post to speak to her, and in particular, she had found out about a need, and she had encouraged her bible study ladies to buy a boy a NEW coat, not one that was leftover. I thanked her and told her that she had blessed my heart by sharing, but I was so overcome with worship for God that I did not share just how much her God-touch meant to me in that moment. I was overjoyed and grateful to see my sweet Jesus in beautiful Suzanne.
This just shows the sovereign power of God. God used Heidi to speak to me. God used me to speak to Suzanne, and God used Suzanne to speak to the ladies in her bible study and then back to me again. And on it goes. When God moves, He moves mightily. And not only does His message resound to the hearts of those He is wanting to change to a better truth, He is a deeply personal God, caring about my heart and meeting my need to see Him. What other god can you say this about? I know not other god that cares or that is alive and active as is Our God – the Most High God! Praise the King!