but also of wood and clay;
some are for noble purposes and some for ignoble.
If a man cleanses himself from the latter,
he will be an instrument for noble purposes, made holy,
useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work."
2 Timothy 2:20-21
Sometimes, bad things happen. Things that are out of our control. Things that do not make sense to us. These are the types of things that sometimes cause people to turn away from God, and they are also they types of things that bring us closer to God. Recently, some bad things have happened, not coincidentally. And I don't really want to share the details here out of respect for those struggling with these things. I have always wanted to be used by God in the utmost way - to be His instrument. I have however blogged here about how I wanted to be something golden in the tabernacle, not a wooden spoon.
Mostly in this time of motherhood, I feel disposable because it is hard for me to see how what I do day to day affects the kingdom of God. So I really just want to be used in any way even if very small and minute. At this moment I would gladly be the wooden spoon. It has never occurred to me however, that I could be that instrument of pain that God sometimes uses in others lives, until recently when I've been struggling with just life things. Use me, Lord, but not as an instrument of pain. I know that I hurt people and because I am human I will continue to do so, but I genuinely do not want to hurt anyone. I hate doing it when called to out of love, and I don't want to be an instrument of pain for anyone else. That hurts my heart. With that said, however, I suppose I must be willing to be anything for my Lord, even if it brings pain to someone else. It is true that each man has a choice to struggle or to submit, and if given that each one submits, perhaps I would not be a chosen instrument of pain, except I am also in pain, so Thy Will Be Done, O Lord. I submit to your plan. Use me as You see best.