Laying down the insecurity

Insecurity.

My biggest struggle.

At least once a year I worry about whether anyone is reading my little blog.

This year I worry about who IS reading my little blog.  I wonder if my blog keeps me at an arm's length, and it scares me a bit. 

And the Rob Bell controversy has not helped.  I think it is overblown.  I haven't read anything he's ever written, but I know from watching the video for his new book and others that I tend to have a similar teaching style as him, albeit certainly not as dynamic, but similar in my thought process.  Whether or not he turns out to be a universalist or not, I feel I must heed caution.

Recently, God's been working on me and I feel called out.  There is more to share on that, but not on this blog yet.  Along with God's calling, the enemy is prepared to snatch it up and weaken me.

As a messy human being, I do not always feel secure in my relationships with other people, real life people.  I imagine that they think of me all of the things I do not want to be, some of which may be true. 

This week is WorldReach at our church - a conference for missions to encourage us to be missionaries in our daily lives.  I am broken.  Broken for the lost, for the hurting, for the hopeless.  I've been stewing - what do I matter?  Would I somehow be able to reach a lost person through this blog?  Would they get anything out of it?  Am I wasting my time?  Do my friends at church secretly cringe for fear that I will be using them as a blog illustration?  When I smile, why does it seem no one smiles back?  Am I just too stinking different from the world?  Then - there is this question of people who've been hurt by the church.  People who were not handled with truth and love.  Can God use me in that type of situation?  Does God really want to use me?   Can someone who is just a person really be used? 

The point is I'm not sure my life matters unless God wants to take some piece of it and use it to help someone else - someone lost or hurt or hungry.  And honestly I am just the spoon, but I trust that He will use me for the things He calls me to.  He's a good God like that, and He makes sure I know it.

I said I was going to share my story, but it's still coming soon...