Friday, May 27, 2011
A Idealist's Struggle
I have kept a journal most of my life. During my teenage years, I think they were full of anger and how much I hated life and my parents. I no longer have them, so I can't say for sure.
College years are fascinating to me - Devotion to God and what I was learning.
Then the years where I did a collage journal. Where I was questioning. Pictures more adequately displayed my thoughts than words sometimes did, though as you see in the example, I am still wordy in my collages.
Then the silent years, where I very rarely wrote something down.
And then the blog years, of which I am still doing of course.
I am struggling today. If you look at my collage which is undated, but I know it is at least 10 years old, on the right, you will see a phrase, "The Disease to Please," which is the disease I still have. Some days are better than others. I've always had a tendency toward a melancholic disposition, so my inner thoughts occasionally do get the better of me. I have to always be ready to take every thought captive.
Things that are bothering me today:
1. I forgot my hair appointment yesterday. The hair stylist called me, and I told her I thought I still had another month before my appt and then I looked at my calendar, and there was my appt time written down for yesterday. The last time, I was late. I actually got there, sat down, and waited, and she was unbeknownst to me getting ready to leave (I thought I was only a few minutes late). So while I love my stylist, I look like an absolute idiot to her, and I hate this.
2. I don't really know what the future holds for some extended family situations, and I am sad about that.
3. My lovely little Princess is going to Kindergarten in the the fall, and I just feel this overwhelming pressure to have the perfect summer. At the beginning of 4K, I was feeling good about how she was developing, but she is going through a hard phase again, and I am struggling with reaching her again. I realize this is a cycle that will always be between us, and I hate it. She and I are a lot alike, and yet we are very different at the same time - similar in how we process thoughts and feelings, different in that she leans more toward rebellion and I leaned more toward pleasing compliance. Last year I had a newborn, and the family dynamic always changes. She has had outside influences which have influenced her greatly, hearing music and watching movies I wasn't ready for her to be exposed to. The sum total of that makes me feel like a failure. Somehow I didn't dig deep enough and reach down and pull out of her things that matter, things that needed encouraging. I know it's just a phase, but...
4. Plain and simple, I am not in control. And I see how we all in our own different ways battle for control.
If God's really the master author of all of these things, why do I let them get me down so much?
So, I will turn it around:
4. God's in control. He's crafting a masterpiece in my life and in my family's life. I need to continue to submit to His authority and continue to trust His goodness and influence in our lives.
3. I lay my daughter at the feet of Jesus. I will trust the Lord and lean not in my own understanding and keep walking the path He leads me to walk with her.
2. I will hope and pray for God to be seen, shown, and known.
1. As much I as I vow to "not be that person," I know that even vowing to myself will not work, so I'm not sure what to do other than ask God to help me be on time and on the right day for my hair appts. Ai-yi-yi.
What's bothering you today? How will you turn it around for God's glory?